Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Dear Friends,

I want to preface this post by letting you know that I am writing it for me. 
Last weekend, I sat down with Dan's phone and looked at the photo's he took when we were at the hospital (for Roscoe's delivery).
Roscoe is nearly three months old and I am going to admit that it took me two and a half months to get over the trauma of the delivery and really fall head over heals in love with my baby.   

Don't get me wrong, I've loved my child from day one, but I always thought I would be madly in love with my child immediately.
Instead I felt emotionally and physically beat up.
I felt numb.
I felt like I missed out on all of the special times because I was in such bad shape.
I felt like a horrible mother and I was depressed.

It took me two months to process the whole event and start to feel better.
When I did start feeling better the magic happened. 
I fell in LOVE with my Mister Man, Roscoe.
Truly, madly, deeply in love.

People always told me that I would forget about all the awful and be ready to do it all over again. 
I don't think I will ever be able to forget the awful but I am getting over it (and that makes me so happy).  
It will be a miracle if I ever do it again.
For a lot of reasons.

Despite the horrible delivery and the depression that followed, I always knew that I wasn't alone. 
I think many women have hard times bringing babies into the world and it could have been so much worse. 
I have more compassion and respect for women and mothers now. 
I feel so blessed to have this little man in my world. 
I am over the moon in love with him and I wouldn't change a thing. 
I just wish I could remember more about that special time. 
I wish I could have felt more. 

If you are pregnant, I want you to know that I am here for you. 
You are working so hard and I am proud of you.
love love,
Fritzi Marie


Sam said...

I am sorry you had such a traumatic experience. Everyone bonds differently and it makes sense that it would be harder to really bond during trauma. I wish to goodness that things would have been different for you!

I am sure you know that many of us mamas have regrets about birth - not about giving it, just that things would have gone differently. I know I felt so out of control and scared. I was absolutely sure I was going to be stuck giving birth forever. I would love to have another chance to do it again but who knows? I also have grieved that we didn't get to have the normal hospital stay, instead we had ambulances and helicopters. I definitely know we don't want to do that again!

I think the thing that matters in the long run is the love you have for baby Roscoe, and you have buckets of it. I am so happy you're feeling better. Roscoe is absolutely ADORABLE and I can tell you're going to be a fun mama. Lots of love to you, Dan, Roscoe, and Baby Bono!

Deja said...

My friend, what a beautiful and honest post. I'm glad you are in love, and I don't think you're abnormal that it took some time. Pregnancy/delivery is traumatic! Shall I be brave and tell you I'm pregnant again? It's true. 14 weeks or so, and I'm beginning to feel a little hopeful, though I'm still so frightened. All signs so far have been positive, so here's hoping for me and all three of us, really. Here's hoping I get to fall in love.

Unknown said...

Kat, I love how honest you are in your writing, and really can't get over how cute your little Roscoe is. I agree that the childbirth is never really easy to get over, but thankfully, we get theses cuties at the end to distract us. Those first few months are a blur for so many reasons. Luckily it gets easier. :)

Naomi said...

Though I have not yet had a baby, I work with small children and have heard many birth stories. Unfortunately I think there is often a conception in our society that birth needs to be a certain "way," or that parents should immediately bond with the baby otherwise they're weird. Moms get judged for the silliest things, instead of being shown compassion and understanding, and it really frustrates me. Good for you for writing such a wonderful post!

Kristen said...

Word for word this was how I felt with my oldest. It just took time, but man when it happened, bam. He is my heart forever. I love your honesty and I love that last little picture of R snug as a bug on a shoulder. So so sweet.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for voicing what so many women are afraid to even think. The c-section was horrific and took too long to get moving again and the bonding takes some special time too. The depression is so hard to escape. I think back and wonder how I survived! You are so blessed to be at the end of the dark tunnel. The light is so glorious. I wish you beautiful days with you new found family :) I have my one precious daughter and she is my world.

Anonymous said...

I'm not smart enough to sign in so it shows my name. The annoymous comment above was from Suzanne Edwards/Schrimpf! Sorry!

Anna @ annie and m said...

I can connect with your thoughts on so many levels. The birth of my oldest was trying physically and emotionally. After she was born, I didn't think I wanted to have any more children. But after some healing, I went on to have 3 more. I feel incredibly blessed to be their mother and feel like I can be a good mother because I am taking care of me first. There is no doubt that you truly love your little Roscoe and all is as it should be.
Much love,

Cammie Smith said...

Gosh, Kat, I'm so glad you're able to talk about your experience. You're right, a lot of people struggle and I don't know if they really feel like that's okay. I'm glad you're getting through it. Your little man is so precious! Thanks for your honest post.

Micaela said...

i absolutely adore you for your honesty!
you have no idea how much it means to me.

more than i can tell you.

love you and your cutie! he truly gets more handsome every day :)


Amanda Laurel Atkins said...

Dear Kat,
You are so amazing and so not alone. So many women go through this. It's so wonderful that you talk about it, it helps so many women. It will probably help me in the future. You are so special, so brave, and so amazing. I admire you every single day.